Frequently and Rarely Asked Questions about Michigan!
Annette Janik & egw

FAQs- Frequently Asked Questions:

1. What does ‘Michigan” mean?
A. “Michigan” is a word derived from the French version of the Ojibwe word misshikama ("mish-ih-GAH-muh")
meaning "big lake."

2. Where in Michigan are you from?

A.

3. Jesus, why does every person from Michigan do that?
A. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.

4. Fine. What is Michigan’s biggest export?
A. Its residents to Chicago.

5. Who are some famous people from Michigan?
A. Obviously Michigan is known for its wide array of talented statespersons and listing them all here would take
literally pages and pages and pages. Since we believe in the conservation of the trees that Michigan is known for, we  will simply give you a small smattering of our famous citizens: Aretha Franklin,  Michael Jackson, Wally Pleasant (small college comedian), Mahatma Ghandi, God (Yes! The Almighty is from Bad Axe, for more information on this, please see FAQ #6)

your mom, and Jessica Cauffiel.

5a. Who is Jessica Cauffiel?
A. She’s an actress. Perhaps you’ve seen some of her groundbreaking work as
“Niles Girlfriend” on Fraiser, “That Girl” in White Chicks, “Elle’s Sorority Friend” in Legally Blonde, and “That Chick Killed by Something or Other” in Urban Legends 2: Final Cut.

5b. I sense some sarcasm in your response. Why the hate?
A. Because I went to high school with her and she was a total bitch. And her dad tried to pick me up once at a
bookstore. Really creepy.

6. Oh. Okay. Uhm, well, how did Michigan come to be?
A. Michigan was created in 1902 when God, during a freak logging accident, cut off his left hand. God was irritated but, hey, what are you going to do? Resigned to his new fate he fashioned himself a hook from the “Great Bridge” (a large bridge that, before Michigan’s creation, spanned the Great Lake and connected Ohio to the Upper Peninsula [or the state formerly known as “Superior”]). To fill in the space left by the Great Bridge’s absence, God lovingly placed his severed limb in the middle of the lake, splitting the water in to 3 sections creating 3 out of the 5 bodies of what we know today as “The Great Lakes.” The remainder of the Great Bridge still exists in the form of the Mackinac¹ Bridge, which spans 5 miles and connects the lower and upper peninsulas.

Since Michigan’s creation it has surpassed all other 49 states in majestic beauty and breakfast cereal production. And as for God? Well, he currently lives in a small bungalow in Bad Axe where he builds ships in a bottle.

7. Are there any songs written about Michigan?
A. “Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac. 

RAQs- Rarely Asked Questions:

1. Why you all got a monopoly on breakfast grains?
A. We assume that you are referring to our local businesses General Mills, Kellogg, and Jiffy Mix².  If so, please note that that which would grow out of God’s left hand would be nothing less than perfection. Amber waves of grain, if you will. Don’t hate.

2. Isn’t the Detroit Free Press still on strike?
A. Uhm, yeah, I think so. Maybe? You know what, I don’t really know.

3. What’s Euchre?
A. It’s a card game that every Michigan resident was born with the inherent knowledge of how to play. Except me.

4. I’ve heard that people of the Upper Peninsula call people in the Lower Peninsula “trolls.”
A. ……

4a. And?
A. What’s your question?

4b. Is that true?
A. Well, yeah.

4c. Why?
A. Because people in the Lower Peninsula live under the bridge (Mackinac Bridge, that
is). The ceaseless taunting Anthony Kiedis endured from his yooper neighbors is what
led to his penning the famous Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song “Under the Bridge.”

4d. Wait, wasn’t that written about doing drugs in LA?
A. No.

5. How’s your day going?
A. I can’t tell you the last time somebody asked me that! I’m doing well, thank you.
 

_____________________________________
1. Fun Fact!  “Mackinac” in French translates literally to “Steel scraps that God couldn’t use for shit.
2. Fun Fact! Jiffy Mix’s one and only plant is located in Chelsea Michigan. During the annual
Fair Parade the Jiffy Mix float throws boxes of its delicious biscuit mix into crowds of salivating
children. Only two concussions have been reported.
 

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