How World Events Might Have Been
Different Had I, Annette Janik, Intervened
Annette Janik
“The Toledo War”
What REALLY Happened:
In 1787 the Northwest Ordinance drew
a line creating what would soon become the territory of Michigan. This line
extended from the Southern tip of Lake Michigan across the base of the Lower
Michigan Peninsula intersecting Lake Erie just north of the Maumee River. When
Ohio created their constitution for statehood in 1803, this was the line they
recognized as their northern border. Two years later, when Michigan was entering
territory status, surveyors realized that the original maps that created the
Northwest Ordinance line were wrong and that the tip of Lake Michigan was
actually further south than originally thought, eight miles to be precise.
Although eight miles and the 468 square miles in between seems small in scope
compared to the loads of land Michigan already had, this 468 square mile space
included the land that would later become Toledo—apparently quite a precious
commodity in 1805.
When Ohio heard about this rezoning, they immediately lobbied to have the
original northern border, the border including the Toledo strip, declared the
official northern line of Ohio. In 1817 then U.S. Surveyor General and former
Ohio governor (no bias there, amirite?) Edward Tiffin sent his men to
check out the difference between these two territory lines. Unfortunately for
Ohio, these surveyors found that yes, Lake Michigan did end 8 miles further
South than originally thought. This revelation didn’t do much to ease the
tension between Michigan and Ohio, but it did not escalate matters either. After
this, both sides metaphorically shrugged their shoulders and decided to agree to
disagree, with Michigan quietly taking over the land while Ohio continued to
consider this their northern line.
The two sides lived in ignorant bliss
on the matter until 1833 when the territory of Michigan looked for admission
into the United States union, this new territory line included. Ohio would have
none of that and lobbied to block Michigan’s statehood until it conceded the
southern Toledo strip to Ohio. To this Michigan was all Aw, HELL to tha NO
and started fining anyone other than Michigan or federal officials who attempted
to exercise control over the Toledo Strip. To this Ohio Governor Robert Lucas
was all Oh eff that noise, Michigan and declared the region a county
named after himself (narcissistic much, Ohio?) and appointed a sheriff and judge
in what was then known as Self Obsessed Ohio Governor county (or Lucas county).
Then Michigan’s Governor Stevens T.
Mason was all Oh no you didn’t, Ohio! The hate is on! He mobilized his
troops and tore towards Ohio.
The Toledo War was on.
But nothing really happened,
actually. The storming of Ohio was mostly all build and no action as each side
tried to one up the other in the political arena rather than the fields of
Toledo. For example, Ohio legislature approved a $300,000 military budget, and
Michigan followed suit approving one with $315,000. BOO-YA Ohio. The war
itself wasn’t so much a war but rather a tiff. There was a lot of drama leading
up to it, but when the two sides finally met there was just some shouting and
trash talk which ended with Michigan capturing nine of Ohio’s surveyors while
firing a few warning shots over the heads of the rest of the Ohio militiamen as
they sped out of Toledo. The war, if you could call it that, was actually pretty
pathetic. In fact, the only person wounded was a Michigan Sheriff stabbed in the
leg during a tavern brawl by a man named (honest to God) Two Stickney during the
arrest of his brother (again, not kidding) One Stickney.
The only casualty, legend has it, was
a donkey.
Eventually, tired of the bickering,
President Andrew Jackson stepped in and broke up the Michigan-Ohio spat and held
off Michigan’s induction into statehood until they gave into Ohio’s demands and
gave them back the land. Michigan conceded and gave back the Toledo strip. As
compensation it was given the land of the Upper Peninsula, land rich with
lumber, copper, iron, and delicious, delicious pasties.
Michigan was admitted into statehood
in 1837 with the natural-resource-rich U.P in tow, and Ohio kept Toledo which
apparently has a pretty good zoo.
What Would Have Happened Had I, Annette Janik, Intervened:
It’s 1833, shortly before the
“breakout” of the Toledo War and Annette of 1833 (me) is waitressing in a small
tavern in the Toledo strip called “We Hold These Brews to be Self-Evident!” a
tavern whose main clientele is dedicated to the achievement of Michigan’s
statehood with Toledo and the surrounding land included. I’m cleaning up a
spilled glass of sarsaparilla when I overhear a group of men talking quietly in
a booth nearby. These same fellows had been up at the bar moments before talking
loudly about their loyalty to the territory of Michigan, but in private I hear
them whispering about how great a zoo in Toledo would be for the Ohio economy1
while pouring over planning maps. Egads! I think as I realize that these
were not Michigan loyalists at all but rather Ohio spies! And not only were they
spies they were part of the most notorious group of men to come out of that
territory in years…. the land surveyors!
I hurry back to the counter where our
local sheriff, a Michigan loyalist, is standing at the foot of the bar yelling
about how great it would be to build a subdivision of condominiums in Toledo
with retail such as, This Olde Dry Cleaners and Coldstone Creamery on the first
level. “Think of the convenience!” he yelled, “of going down to the lobby of
your home and picking up a taquito at the general store for a snack before
getting your overcoat from the drycleaner!” This man was ahead of his time. I
interrupt his shouting and pull him aside to warn him of our unwelcome visitors.
He tells me to distract them while he gathers the militia.
Thinking quickly, I formulate a plan
as I stroll over to the men to engage them in conversation. My mind is racing
and I hope that my idea works. I inform them that it was Hot Wing Wednesday at
We Hold These Brews…. and on Hot Wing Wednesday, Michigan loyalists get
all-you-can-eat hot wings free all night. Naturally they jump at the prospect of
such a succulent treat, and I tell them I’ll be back with their order. No sooner
had I brought back the wings than the surveyors dive face first into the
platter, licking our delectable We Hold These Brews sauce off their fingertips.
It was all going very well. The distracted men do not notice as I bend down to
pick up a “dropped linen” while at the same time collecting the glinting silver
knife from the boot of one of the men. I deliver more wings, and as they devour
their free food I bring over my dustpan and broom, sweeping the dust and flung
chicken bones from around their table, collecting knives from their boots as I
rotate around the group. The men were now unarmed.
I go back to the sheriff and tell him
that the men are now defenseless and, thanks to my quick instructions to the
cook, half of the wings were not chicken but turkey, a meat now lulling the
surveyors into a vulnerable, tryptophan-induced sleep. Annette, he tells me,
you’re one hell of a Michigander. We lock eyes and I nod at him briefly before
he marches out the door to gather the growing group of Michigan militia men
outside. They creep up behind the surveyors’ table and quickly gather the men
into their possession. One of the men, who would later be identified as Two
Stickney, began to struggle with his captor. He breaks one arm free and lunges
for his boot, only to find his knife missing. I hold up the knife in one hand
and take a bite out of a chicken wing from the other. Crying out in frustration,
Stickney slumps to the floor in defeat. I ride my beloved donkey home for a
contented night’s sleep.
The militia carries the surveyors out
and throws them into prison. Encouraged by the ease of this take over, the
militia plans an offensive attack and simultaneous defensive strategy the likes
of which are never seen again in the history of military combat. Michigan spanks
Ohio so badly that they not only take over the Toledo strip but all of Ohio as
well. We also appropriate Indiana just because we own so hard, AND we take the
Upper Peninsula anyway. The now massive territory of Michigan turns down the
offer of statehood from the United States and creates its own country, led by
first president, me, Annette Janik, which not only has universal health care and
the highest quality free school system in the world, but is also the wealthiest
and most generous nation world wide, pledging billions and billions of dollars
in aid to world wide poverty, debt relief, and the curing of disease.
Over a hundred years later, the
country of Michigan is still going strong, accepting the state of Illinois into
our ranks in 1987 after a decades-long struggle to secede from the United States
ends with the concession of the US to the all powerful Michigan. Illinois is
signed into the country of Michigan by Annette Janik the 4th, my great, great,
great grand child, who has followed in the footsteps of her ancestors to be the
4th Annette Janik voted into the presidency with an 80% or larger victory.
In 1994 Michigan researchers, backed
by legal and generous funding (which includes the enthusiastic use of stem
cells) finds a cure for Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s Disease, Cancer, AIDS and a
host of other diseases and illnesses. In 2001, the world’s largest city,
Detroit, halts production on gas-powered transportation vehicles and instead
mass produces cars that run on garbage, thus cleaning up the world and reducing
green house gasses by up to 90% and reversing the effects of any and all global
warming for centuries to come.
The country’s slogan, “Say, THANK GOD, for Michigan!” is a
sentiment shared by people worldwide. Thank God for Michigan, indeed! But most
of all, thank God for me, Annette Janik.
_____________________
1. The Toledo Zoo wasn’t actually founded until the
year 1900 when a small woodchuck was given to the Toledo Park Superintendent.
The Park Superintendent then placed the small woodchuck in a cage in Walbridge
Park and the Toledo “Zoo” was born. Annette of 2006 finds this bit of history
absolutely hilarious.
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